Breaking news: As we announced earlier today Meta has announced plans to rebrand as Meata and install large meat grinders in all public parks in the US, which will be used to express their constitutionally protected free speech by grinding children into meat paste.

Within moments of this news being published, Donald Trump has signed an Executive Order on this matter, barring Meata from grinding some children until they first visit him.

I decree that ALL young beautiful girls can not be put into the meat grinders without first having the HONOR of spending time in the new underground sex dungeon hotel under by where that other part of the White House used to be is. The ballroom. Under my balls…heh. I order this with all the powers vested in me by the WWE.

When asked by press what he meant by this description the President answered “You know the ones”, and when asked about all boys and less attractive children he responded with “fuck 'em.”

The Republican Congress has backed this executive order in full, with some saying it’s the smartest and bestest thing they’ve ever seen and many unwilling to stand up from the table until the cameras stopped recording.

Reporting live from in this black rectangle,
Prof. Tṙump R’Apés Kíds
Pulitzer Prize winning Czarina of Ohio.