Someone reaching out isn’t burdensome for me; I feel it’s only emotionally draining if someone calls back to back really quickly after a conversation or keeps me on the phone for over thirty minutes around meal times and I’m trying to exit the conversation.

What does feel risky for me is taking a chance to reach out to someone after a long time and they cut the connection entirely then and there. The relationship was likely severed a while ago but that confirms it in that moment. Much more often though it’s because that friend is from a specific time in my life and things have changed for them or for me and we haven’t really had a chance to sort out changed dynamics of the friendship. Missing/not reaching out during/after important things can sour some friendships too.

Real friends can fall into these groups as well is the thing.

I personally don’t have spare energy to maintain active friendships with the dozens of people I’m close with, but I don’t expect anything from them either since we’re both burdened and I don’t care less about them just because we haven’t talked. If they are a true friend of mine it will be like a day has not passed between us.

Another thing is some people can feel awkward about reaching out if it’s been some time as well.

How old are you currently and how old are your friends? You don’t have to actually answer that question but I think it would give you a bit more insight into what’s happening. Many friendships transform slowly based on the life path you or your friends are on, with path diverging more each year if you are not both headed towards the same life goals.

For instance, if a friend of yours wants to get married and have kids, then they’re probably going to be prioritizing their relationships with their family or with other friends planning families since it’s easier to stay in sync with these people.

If your friend likes to party, stay up later than you, and push on your newer comfort zones, then it makes it more challenging to maintain an active friendship. If you were that way in the past with your friend and are no longer that way, then you have to juggle an old identity that doesn’t quite fit anymore and a new one which may not match your friend’s path.

Expectations change in relationships as well, especially if you’re living with your SO. Seeing your friends once or twice a week after work might not fly, especially if you have kids that require more oversight, attention, and care.

Even just texting friends requires some mutual engagement. If your friends also have a lot of friends it’s probably even tougher for them to be juggling texting each of these friends and staying up to date on everything they have going on. If they have three friend groups and an SO for instance, that’s about one weekend a month with each friend group plus at minimum one spent with their family.

I frequently will take days to get back to my own family or even my best friend, it’s not because I don’t care but often because they are asking for a time investment I’m not ready to commit to in that moment (eg, them saying “let’s do x on y day” when I have no clue if I have another commitment with my immediate family on y day). If I got more questions like “do you think you’ll have time in the next week or so?” it’d be easier give a more definitive answer as well since it’s more accommodating of my time.

TL;DR: You could be doing everything ‘right’, but that doesn’t mean the specific people you’re friends with have the bandwidth for the more active friendship you’re looking for. Not everything or everyone is set in stone though, circumstances can change and so can people’s hearts.