Neighbors who use you for free childcare

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is WineyPrincesss. She posted in r/neighborsfromhell

Thank you to Reddit user u/LucyAriaRose for compiling this and their thanks is: Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is over 7 days old.

Original Post: August 2, 2025

Our new neighbors moved in this past winter, so we’ve known them for maybe three months. At first, everything was great. They seemed friendly, and our kids (along with the other neighborhood kids) got along well. Our neighborhood has this informal setup where the kids “yard hop,” and we all take turns supervising. It’s been a really fun, communal vibe…until recently. The dynamic completely changed when the wife returned to work from maternity leave. It became immediately clear that the husband cannot handle both of their kids on his own, especially their older child (age 4).

Here’s what keeps happening: within minutes of getting home, he finds whatever neighbor child is outside and dumps his 4-year-old with them — no heads-up, no check-in with the adult at home, no offer to return shortly or hang around. He’ll say something vague like “I need to check on the baby” and then disappear for 1–2 hours.

I’m not exaggerating. He’s literally opened my closed backyard gate, sent his child in, and walked past me on the porch without saying a single word — leaving me to supervise without ever asking if that’s okay. My problem with this is that their child isn’t self-sufficient like the other neighborhood kids. They still need help using the bathroom, getting dressed, eating snacks, riding a bike, etc. I don’t mind helping kids in general — but helping someone else’s 4-year-old with personal care like bathroom use or dressing? That crosses a line IMO. Still, the dad acts like I’m just expected to do it. He’s told his child to go inside MY house to get a snack or use the bathroom, saying I’LL help, again, without asking. (I’ve started telling them to go find their dad if they need these things—I can be passive aggressive too, dude).

That’s not even the half of it. The parents regularly invite themselves over. They help themselves to food and drinks from our patio during our family pool nights (Fridays are kind of our thing with pizza and swimming). I explained multiple times that it’s a potluck-style situation and everyone brings something, but they continue to show up empty-handed and eat whatever’s available.

And the pool situation? Every single time we swim, they send their child over in a swimsuit. No asking. No checking if it’s okay. They just open the gate and in their child comes. We’ve sent them back to get an adult, but when the dad finally does show up, he plops on a deck chair, stares at his phone, and still doesn’t watch. Meanwhile, their child needs constant assistance in the pool, which makes it impossible for us to properly supervise our own slightly older (but still non-touching) kids. Our kids can swim without floaties and need close supervision as well, but their kid is hanging all over us demanding our undivided attention the entire time.

We’ve tried setting firm limits, like saying “no swimming today” when we’re hosting a family-only event. Their child throws a huge meltdown. And suddenly we’re the villains for not letting someone else’s kid crash our pool party.

I’m exhausted. I didn’t sign up to be their free babysitter, lifeguard, snack provider, and summer camp coordinator. My subtle boundary-setting has been completely ignored. I’ve tried being polite, but it’s not working. I don’t want to cause drama or burn bridges. They’re going to be here long-term and our kids will likely go to school together. But I now hide inside when they’re outside because I just can’t deal with them anymore and my summer is being tainted because they have no boundaries.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do I set stronger boundaries without creating a huge neighborhood feud?

Edit: Our pool is locked at all times unless we are in it. When I say gate it means our yard gate not the pool gate, it seems that part was confusing. We always lock our pool!

Some of OOP’s Comments:

Glittering-Set-2510: Talk to the wife, Does she know her husband is dumping the 4yo on you?

OOP: Doubt it, she works 12 hour shifts and is exhausted when she gets home. I don’t see much of her until the weekend. I don’t know how to approach it tbh.

Knitsanity: (Top Comment) I am sorry but this whole situation hinges completely and utterly on you. You need to say no. You need to take the kid back to Dad every time. You need to put a lock on your gate.

You are old enough to have a house and children. Use your words. Do you really care if the moochers are mad at you? Are any of the other neighbors tired of being used?

The wandering in on Friday empty handed? No way.

OOP: We’ve talked to a few other neighbors and they are annoyed he disappears for hours and their kid is at their house need all this extra attention. They don’t have the pool issues because we’re the only one with a pool.
I’ve started saying no, thought I made that clear in my post but thanks for your very kind words. This went on for about a month until I started to shut it down. But it isn’t the KID’S fault and they shouldn’t be shunned or not able to play because their dad can’t be a parent for a few hours after work. I’m not cool with punishing a kid for their parent’s choices. So when they need help, I send them to their dad. Period.

In response to a longer Comment:

lol my parents said to lock the gate too, it’s wrought iron so I’d have to get a padlock for it. Not against the idea but don’t know if I’m ready for that level of petty but I’m here for it in the future!
Love how you worded the feedback for the parents. Putting that in my back pocket for sure! I don’t have their email but I guess I could text the wife that. I want it to seem natural and not out of the blue so I’ll waiting for the next time we swim, which will probably be later today or tomorrow!

OOP adds:

We have backyard camera and lock is on pool at all times.

Where they live:

We 100% live in the Midwest, we grew up around here and the neighborhood dynamic (yard hopping) is what kids do. It’s wild to me the people that are appalled by this because this is the norm where I’m from. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mini Update Comment: August 3, 2025 (Next Day)

They f’d off this weekend thank goodness. We’ve been swimming all day! I’m looking forward to them coming home and me telling them it’s a family day and they can’t. That’s my new answer every time now. Also considering a privacy fence for next summer.

Mini Update Comment: August 21, 2025 (19 days from OG post)

Any update?

Not much, really. The neighbor husband finally upset my husband enough to cut relationship ties (that’s a whole other loooong story). We’re cordial with them but every time they ask to swim our answer is either not today or we invite family over and say it wouldn’t be appropriate for them to crash. The past few weeks we’ve either been out of town or they have so we haven’t had much chance to confront anyone, I don’t think it’s necessary at this point tbh. They seem to have gotten the message since they royally pissed my husband off and have backed off a lot since then.

I was supposed to have a “play date” with just the wife and was planning on talking to her then but she canceled last minute and we haven’t rescheduled. (The play date was her idea, I was confused as to why a scheduled play date was necessary when my kids are always outside and she can just send her kid out to play too but whatever)

So unfortunately, no drama (yet). We always have a bit showing for Halloween in our neighborhood and my family basically tailgates in our garage as we pass out candy, I’m interested to see if they try to crash it (which the answer will be no). Hopefully my rbf and our lack of being overly friendly gives them a “f off” vibe by then. Knowing her, she’ll passive aggressively text me if something is wrong before then and this time I won’t hold back.

Stay tuned. I’ll update if anything happens.

Mini Update Update: October 10, 2025 (2 months from OG post)

No dramatic update unfortunately. We stopped having them over and told them no when they’d ask to swim. I’d send their kid back if they asked for help with something or needed anything. The message seemed to be received that we were done with their bs and we basically ignored each other for months. They barely came outside during that period of time so it wasn’t like we went out of our way to ignore them, we’d wave but that’s it.

I just had my first cordial conversation with them over the weekend, actually. I hadn’t spoken more than a “hello” to them since August prior to that. With our pool now closed, my point of contention with them has eased but it took time for me to be even friendly towards them again. The wife got a new job where she’s home earlier so that helped with the dad problem. They are definitely people that use others for their own advantage and I see that now, won’t be sucked into that again next summer.

Update Post: July 15, 2026 (Just shy of 1 year from OG post)

It’s been a year and I am happy to say the neighbors finally got the hint! (Kind of, it took some time and not so subtle f-off vibes)

It all really came to a head in October, Halloween, specifically. Halloween is always a big event at our house. My family comes over to pass out candy, and cousins join us for trick-or-treating, so there are always a lot of people, food, and chaos.

The neighbors came over completely uninvited. The husband said his kid wanted to say hi. Fine, whatever. I turned around and caught him helping himself to the pizza on our food table, feeding not only his kid but himself. I was already in a terrible mood for unrelated reasons, so I sarcastically said, “Make yourself at home, why don’t you?” He left shortly after, but then the wife wandered over…and started eating our food too! That was it, I was done. You show up to a family gathering you weren’t invited to and then start eating someone else’s food? Who does that?

Fast forward to early May. After months of zero contact and absolutely no effort on our part to be friendly, I was in the backyard alone with my kids. My husband’s hobby keeps him away most Sunday afternoons, and my neighbors know that. The kids were playing while I was doing work related things on my laptop at the patio table. Our yards are separated by 4-foot fences because of city ordinances, so I could see the rude neighbors in their yard as well.

I loudly reminded my kids they needed to stay in our yard because I had to get dinner started soon and wanted to keep an eye on them. Not even two minutes later, I looked up and saw the husband…standing in my backyard. He had simply opened our fence gate and walked in with his kid.

No “Hi.” No “Is this okay?” Nothing.

He just stood there about three feet away from me while his kid played. I was completely speechless and incredibly uncomfortable. I didn’t like that this man felt comfortable enough to walk in a person’s yard uninvited. One who knew my husband wasn’t home, he never does this crap when my husband is there, or at least isn’t so creepy about it. Thankfully, my youngest got hurt after about three minutes and came crying over to me. They left shortly afterward, and my husband got home not long after that. The first thing I told him was to bungee our fence gate shut on their side. We can’t permanently lock the gate because our fertilizer company comes whenever they feel like it without giving us any notice, but a bungee cord does the job well enough.

The following Sunday, he tried it again. He walked over to the gate, stopped when he saw the bungee cord, and then turned around. Instead, he took his kid to the front of the house, and the whole family went for a walk. I was left in peace and he hasn’t tried it since!

About a week later, the wife texted asking if I’d like to meet for coffee soon. I politely declined meeting somewhere and told her that if there was something she wanted to chat about, we could just have coffee in our own backyards.

I immediately told my husband, “Pool season is coming. I bet she suddenly wants to be friends so we’ll invite them over to swim.” She never followed up. Never came over. Never tried to have the conversation. I’m outside with the kids every single day, there’s been plenty of opportunities to chat. She just gets out of her car and goes inside her house without saying anything. Fine with me.

Honestly, I’m not interested in hearing whatever she had to say, so I let it go and put the ball in her court.

She’s only reached out one other time since. It started with, “How are you guys doing with this heat wave?” small talk and quickly turned into, “Can I ask you for a favor?” It wasn’t anything but texting her some school information, but I should’ve seen that coming.

They’re users. They only invest in relationships when there’s something in it for them. That isn’t going to be us. They only want the “it takes a village” community if they benefit from it, not contributing anything at all on their end.

Now we’re in the pool almost every day. They either close their blinds whenever we’re outside or come out to water their plants while glaring at us the entire time.

I don’t care anymore about being neighborly to them. There was a point where we seriously considered moving because I dreaded what our future summers would be like. Then we decided we weren’t going to spend our summer living in fear of our neighbors. Turns out…they’ve done nothing.

My favorite part, though?

They bungeed their gate too.

Bro…we’re not the ones walking into other people’s backyards uninvited. Is that supposed to send us a message? It makes me laugh every time I go water the plants on that side of the yard. 😂

So that’s the one-year update.

For now, it seems the message has finally been received and I can relax in my yard in peace. I’m not dumb, though, summer isn’t over and I’m keeping my head on a swivel.

Some of OOP’s Comments:

More clarification because there were so many comments:

We have an above ground pool with a locked gate. My 4 foot fence is my yard fence, not pool fence.
Our yard and pool are code complaint. 😊
To another commenter:
I merely mentioned the fact that our fence was 4 foot tall to emphasize the fact that we can see our neighbors every time we’re outside and vice versa. Thank you for your concern but we passed all code inspections for our set up.
To another commenter:
City code doesn’t allow for 6ft fences in my town, unfortunately. Price is not the problem, ordinance is. I would happily pay for it if we could!

KnownBodybuilder4948: I’d plant some nice landscape screening along that common fence line. Fast-growing lilac bushes, dwarf fruit trees, whatever.

OOP: Thank you! We talked about this! There’s some sort of arborvitae species that grows fast that we’ve talked about planting as well. It’s on the list! ☺️
OOP adds:
We’ve also joked about putting an addition on that side of the yard. A 4 seasons room or something to block their view of the patio area at least. Ideas are brewing over here!

-DeathBySnuSnu-: What does the dynamic look like with the other neighbors now?
Do you still kinda rotate watching each other’s kids? Or is that kinda ruined now because you don’t want to encourage the hell neighbor to drop their kid off too?

OOP: The only mom that still talks to them is across the street but she has ties to the schools here and feels she has to be nice for her job (her words). I get it, that would suck. The other kids in the neighborhood are 3-5 years older than their kids and don’t care much because their kids are much younger. My kids play with their kids occasionally in the front yard but they honestly never come outside anymore.
The yard hopping still happens but it is much less than last year which is a bummer. The kids are also older and ride their bikes to other streets to see their friends now, or are in summer programs/sports so that plays into it too.

b7lasagne: *(heavily downvoted- I’m including because of OOP’s responses)*The problem is you women communicate with hints. Fuck that. Say what you want to say.

OOP: And as women we have to be careful what we say and who we say it to. We never know how you men will react to our precious feelings. Should I have screamed at a man who is much larger than me standing in my yard uninvited when my husband wasn’t home and he knew it? Smh, you don’t think about this stuff but we do. All the time because that’s how we have to think.

b7lasagne: You neednt get into a physical nor screaming match. A simple excuse me i dont appreciate you walking into our yard uninvited would suffice

OOP: I explained to a previous poster I was so flabbergasted that he was in my yard in the first place, it took some time to properly formulate words so they wouldn’t have come out sarcastic or with an impatient (or outright mean) tone because that’s how done I was with him at that point. My kid then got hurt and the moment was over and they left while I was consoling my child.
It’s easy for you to analyze from the outside, not so simple to do in that moment, which was a total of 2-3 whole minutes. But before you come at me with the “you women” comments, please think about how that would look or feel from a woman’s perspective. I’m a small woman who has been raised in a world where we have to be careful around men because you don’t know how they’ll react to the word “no”.

Top Comment:

Coquitlam444: Of course they bungeed their gate too 🤦‍♀️

Title: Ex wants to take our child abroad. I am not comfortable with the location they have chosen.

I am NOT OP. OP is u/own-county-569 and thank you to Reddit user u/sharkeva for putting this together

Originally Posted to: Reddit’s r/legaladviceuk Jul 26, 2026**

Original Post: Jul 26, 2026

Ex wants to take our child abroad with their new partner. Child is 11.

I have never objected to any holidays preciously, but the locations involved in this holiday are making me extremely concerned as a parent.

Am I able to block our child from leaving?

I currently have her passport, but my ex and her new partner are demanding I turn it over on Tuesday evening. I do not wish to do so unless the holiday locations are changed to somewhere in Europe or another MEDC.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter 1: Where do they want to take them? You would extremely convincing grounds that it is not in the child’s best interest for the courts to stop it.

Are there any court orders in place already?

OP’s Response:

They’ll be flying to Pakistan.

My concerns are twogold. Firstly about the ongoing war and border skirmishes with Taliban

The place they are visiting is his home city which is near the Afghan border.

Secondly I’m also concerned about my daughter’s general safety there.

I wouldnt mind if they went to USA, Canada, New Zealand, China, EU, Japan etc.

I just don’t want them going to somewhere unstable and potentially dangerous. I’d also object to Ukraine etc.

Commenter 2: Hi OP as a person of South Asian descent I implore u to not let your daughter go to Pakistan. Your daughter and your ex are not of Pakistani origin, do not have any family based there and have no support system there whatsoever if anything goes wrong. There is no valid reason for your daughter to be going. (Same goes for your ex as this isn’t a holiday resort like destination) I assume your ex’s partner is Pakistani or is of Pakistani origin. Do you actually know anything about him? What’s the purpose of the visit? If your ex getting married to her partner?

FCDO advises against travelling https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/pakistan

Next the area your ex and her current partner is next to Afghanistan and not considered a safe place to be. Your daughter and your ex run the risk of getting kidnapped/held to ransom/being sold into slavery/be victim to forced child marriage.

Also if exs new partner decides they are all staying there(even if it’s against your ex’s wishes there is little that anyone can do)

Do not hand over the passport. Please contact the passport advice line. Speak to your MP. I implore you not to relent on this as your daughters safety is on the line.

Update: Jul 26, 2026

6 Hours Later

I’ve hidden the passport at a secure location. I’ll alert the Home Office on Monday, and I won’t be returning my daughter to my ex on Tuesday. Police are investigating.

Thank you for your advice.

Flights to Pakistan were booked for 2nd August.

I’ve put my foot down and explained that she will not be going.

I’ve hidden the passport at a secure location which isn’t my home. I’ll alert the Home Office on Monday morning to avoid issuing any kind of new passports.

Separately, I have spoken with my daughter. A couple of other issues have emerged including someone who my ex’s partner has been having my daughter chat to online who lives in Pakistan. She said he wanted her to make a friend before she visited. He claims to be 12 in the messages, but there are only large group photos and I cannot verify he is actually a child.

She will not be returned to this man or my ex. Police were contacted on 101 and an officer and a sergeant came out very promptly. They asked to takr my daughter’s phone as evidence, which I agreed to.

I’d like to send a massive thank you to everyone who provided advice.

I’d also like to thank the eight Pakistani women and women of Pakistani heritage who reached out to me to provide cruical context beyond the legal answers. Some of the stories of what you went through were gutwrenching. I appreciate the linking to Karma Nirvana as well, although we do not require their assistance as of yet.

A couple of you also provided me some excellent help and advice and also assisted with the translation of some posts on the social media account of this mysterious “boy” in Pakistan. You helped point out some red flags which I appreciate.

You have all been invaluable. Every single one of you.

Thank you.

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I think my professor fucked me up

I am NOT OP.

Originally Posted to: Captain Awkward Dec 20, 2021

Trigger Warning:

Editors Note: Might want to read the trigger warning on this if you think you could at all be triggered. Also added a paragraph break for easier reading.

Original Post: Dec 20, 2021

Dear Captain Awkward,

I am a 25 year old woman about to finish a three-year professional degree. I had a pretty intense undergrad experience. Or, I thought it was intense, but I am starting to think maybe it was worse than just intense, and I don’t know what to do.

From about week 3 of my freshman year at age 19, two professors in my program (married, basically the program’s center of gravity, both regarded nationwide/even internationally as Important Leaders In The Field) adopted me into the fold of their “favorites,” which basically meant “if you do exactly what we say you’ll get one of the best jobs in the country when you graduate.”

They controlled pretty much every hour of my life for two years straight. In week 8 of my freshman year, they told me I couldn’t go home for fall break to visit my parents because of a project they wanted me to work on, and made me convince my dad to drive home without me. They had me come over to their home to work on projects and wouldn’t drive me back to my dorm until late at night. They coerced me into skipping classes so often I had to repeat a class once because my attendance record was so bad. Once I tried to say no to them when they attempted this, and one of them emailed the class’s TA behind my back to tell them I couldn’t come because I had to work on something for him. They made fun of me for going to church until I stopped going. They invented all kinds of scenarios that pitted me against my classmates for no good reason. They told me my parents wouldn’t understand the program and I shouldn’t talk to them so often. They would talk about their best students and how they would work for more than 24 hours straight and how great that dedication was.

They talked me into taking an unpaid internship out of state I couldn’t afford because one of their friends ran the organization. When I mentioned interviewing for an internship at an organization they didn’t have connections to, they told me they knew somebody who worked there who said she wanted to kill herself after five years in the job. They created arbitrary deadlines I’d have to drop everything to meet and then say that we actually had months to work on it anyway. I wasn’t getting credit or pay for a lot of my projects. I got about four hours of sleep a night for two years straight. After a year of that my thyroid failed and I gained a bunch of weight and my hair started falling out and I stopped having a period. One of their other students sexually assaulted me at the end of my sophomore year and I reported it (and that was a whole other nightmare, the university admin tried to get me to either shut up about it or drop out) and those two professors never spoke to me again.

But they loved me and cared about me. They fought for me at every turn when they could. They gave me opportunities I never could have imagined, and they encouraged me, and told me I was talented, and acted as mentors and parent figures when I was isolated from my own family. They put in good words for me with organizations and introduced me to powerful people in the field and entered my work in contests that won me thousands of dollars. And lots of their other students still basically worship them – they got almost every graduate of that program with a job in that field their job – so it seems like maybe I’m overreacting. Whenever I worried about whether I was cut out for the work or if I should leave the field, they were so quick to assure me I had a place no matter how I was feeling and that my work was important. They gave me space to rest when it all got too intense. They wanted me to succeed. I wanted and still want them to be so proud of me.

But I had to leave it all behind after I was assaulted, and they act like I don’t exist now, and so many people love them, and they didn’t do anything illegal. But I break out in a sweat when I get emails from professors in my graduate program and I’m really scared to even go to office hours and I can’t figure out why. Once a professor at my graduate program said students could call him by his first name and it’s like I physically can’t do it. And whenever I’m not working or if I turn in something a little late I feel like I’m going to be obliterated. And I feel guilty about going to bed before midnight, especially when I usually can’t sleep anyway. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. They gave me every advantage in the world and for some reason I still just couldn’t hack it. Every time I see them promoting the work of current or former students I feel sick. Especially because I’m never among them. I live alone now in a different city but it’s like my head is full of loud static all the time. It was never like that before.

What’s going on? What do I do? I graduate in May and I feel like I’m about an inch from a nervous breakdown I don’t deserve to have. I have no idea how I’m going to perform well in the job I’m supposed to start next September when I can’t even get to all my classes every week because I keep having to throw up in the school bathroom out of anxiety. I’m not even on the same campus I was at in undergrad. Should I tell the school about the kinds of things they say? Every other graduate, at least from when I was there, would tear me down in a heartbeat. I feel like you’re supposed to report teachers who abuse their students but I don’t think that’s what happened to me. What would I say? They had high expectations and I took it all too seriously. I tried to read about abusive relationships online but everything was about sexual abuse or domestic violence, so maybe this wasn’t that bad. I know this is way more than 400 words but it’s like I sat down to ask a question and all of this came out of me at once.

– Burned out before I even got a real job

Update #1: Jan 31, 2023

I have wanted to write in with an update for a little while now, and now I can, because I finally got this news I was waiting for: Today I found out I passed my state’s bar exam!

My life has changed so much since I wrote in last fall. I graduated from law school. I took the bar exam. I moved back to my hometown, into my own apartment. I started my first job as a lawyer, as a professional instead of a student.

I found a therapist who taught me how to set reasonable boundaries and schedules, how to deal with the horrible feelings and memories I couldn’t make sense of. I got diagnosed with PTSD and OCD pretty quickly. I got therapy and meds that helped me feel more even-keeled. I am starting to learn how to stop hurting myself. I found some good doctors, and I got diagnosed with some other chronic physical illnesses that developed, apparently, as a result of truly harmful physical stress on my body for so long. They’re hard to deal with sometimes. But I deal with them. I take my meds, and I try to cook things that are good for me, and I go for long walks and I go to the gym, and I go to bed early, and when I panic I try to just wait it out, and mostly I feel safe.

I got an apartment that’s in my own space but near my parents. I go over to their house for dinner once a week or so. I call my mom to tell her how my days are. I help my dad with projects he’s working on. I listen to REM like he always did when I was a kid. I’m not totally sure about going back to church yet, but I can sit near my window and pray. I have a quiet, clean, perfect little space where I live with my dog. My bed is covered by a quilt my grandmother made me. My boyfriend comes over sometimes (my boyfriend!) and he is solid and steady and kind, and I think that maybe I can still love. Every day I wake up and take my dog outside and look at the river and feel the wind and listen to the geese, and I feel safe.

I got a job where I have my own little office, with a big window and a door that shuts if I need it to, and I get to do what I’ve been trained to do and what I’m really good at now. I work on a small team, and my coworkers are kind and smart and friendly. My boss sends me home if I stay even a few minutes past 5 p.m. He doesn’t call me at weird hours. He doesn’t mind if I have to leave for an appointment during the workday. He doesn’t corner me. He lets me work at my own pace, he lets me work how I like to work. Sometimes people at the office tell me I’ve done a good job on something. I’ve learned that I like to talk to the people I work with; I’ve learned that even when I’m feeling anxious, it’s okay to go to work and sit in my office and focus on breathing and maybe only do a little bit that day. Nobody seems to mind. My boss makes me laugh, I think because he’s trying to get me to chill out a little bit, and I feel safe.

When I was a kid I begged my parents for horseback riding lessons, which were short-lived but the most free I’ve ever felt. I started riding again — I found a riding club and a family willing to lease me a horse on the weekends. I ride with them on Saturdays, and I bake cinnamon rolls to bring them as a thank you, and I talk to friends from all over, of all different ages and occupations, and I love them. I get to literally gallop across open fields, I get to let it take my breath away, and I feel safe.

Things are still hard. It’s hard to take care of myself sometimes. Some nights I wake up terrified, not breathing. Some days I still can’t call what my professors did “abuse”; some days I still can’t call what that other student did “rape.” Sometimes I’m so furious about what they did to me I think it’ll kill me. But for the most part, that fire in me doesn’t burn me to death. For the most part, it keeps me alive. My friend told me once that I can be like the burning bush: aflame but never consumed. There isn’t really an “old” me to go back to, a version of me from before all of this that I can access. But there is a version of me that gets to choose what she does, and she is choosing to connect with the things she always loved, and she feels safe.

I passed the bar exam, and I’m a lawyer now, and that means the escape plan I set in motion years ago without really knowing why I felt like I had to escape has finally, finally, finally come to pass. I did it. They can never blow my life up ever again. I know what they did to me. I didn’t have any power over it. That hurts. But I get to say what I was made for. I get to say what I do. I don’t know if I’m making all the right choices yet, but I’m the one making the choices. I’m going to bed tonight without something clawing at my chest. Thank you (and Amy) for giving me the words and the tools I needed to make that happen.

Do not comment on any linked posts or message the OOP

This is a repost community, I am not OP!

Title: I’m dreading the prospect of a summer houseguest, but I feel like I can’t say no.

Source: Captain Awkward

I am not the original poster

Original Post: Apr 24, 2014

Dear Captain,

I have a dilemma. I’ve been having a terrible year in 2014 (and 2013 was pretty shit also!) My husband and I have been having a rocky year in our marriage, I have just started an antidepressant to deal with my ongoing and dangerous depression, we have a $25,000 fee to pay to our condo I still don’t know how we’ll finance, and I have been balancing full-time work and full-time school schedule for nine months. Basically, I’m tired to the bone physically and emotionally.

My husband, Jack, and I are currently in the process of going through some counseling and things on that front seem positive and hopeful. The problem is, he recently asked me if his brother can come stay with us from June to August to work in our town. Jack’s brother, Bill*, along with the rest of his family members, live in a faraway province with little economic action. We live in a booming economy with many jobs, especially in Bill’s area of interest.

I had not been planning to take any courses over the summer and was looking forward to some rare downtime and the chance to recover and feel like myself again. With an air mattress in the basement serving as a “spare room” and only one shower, living area and kitchen, it’s inevitable that Bill would end up encroaching on our space. Although he’s in college now he’s still a teenager, so I’m also concerned about his cleaning ability or lack thereof. Plus, frankly, I just don’t want to deal with a houseguest for the whole summer!

Jack misses his family a great deal. This would be a great chance for him to catch up with his brother and bond, to say nothing of the opportunity for Bill to build work experience in his field. I can’t help but feel like the bad guy if I say no, but I’m already mourning my lost, private summer full of reconnecting with Jack and having plenty of alone time. Should I kibosh the trip and live with the guilt? Say yes and quietly resent every moment? PLEASE SEND HELP.

Yours, Houseguest versus Hag

Note: You can read the reply at the link above.

Update #1: Jan 5, 2017 (~3 years later)

Thank you Captain! LW #564 here. You advised me to have my husband manage some of the tasks and stress associated with a houseguest and looming financial burden. Well, the houseguest did not arrive after all (not due to me, he just decided not to come out). But there’s more good news – reading that list made me realize, on a level where I KIND OF suspected but now REALLY KNEW, that my husband was never going to support me on that level. His favourite thing to do was find fault with me, unless I was being The Cool Wife Who Never Complains (and sometimes even then!) He expected me to achieve his dreams for him at the expense of mine, which would have included figuring out how to move him to a more exotic country while also making sure he never felt the pain of a $25K condo bill.

I ditched him that August, and 2+ years on I’ve never been happier and more self-confident. I have a loving partner who raises me up. I have my own business. I’ve achieved so many of my dreams and proved to myself I wasn’t holding him back from his dreams like he thought – he was holding ME back.

So thank you for everything you do here. This site has been a big part of my healing since I left and built myself up again – and was definitely part of me seeing the problem for what it was in the first place.

Update #2: Jan 5, 2017 (same day ~12 hours later)

I wrote the letter about dreading a summer houseguest (and left an update in the 6th birthday post, but I thought I’d write a better one here.) [OP linked original post]

Feeling like I couldn’t say no turned out to be a recurring theme in my marriage, and though I was very good at rationalizing it, the root cause was actually that my husband expected me to make his life happen for him. Whatever that meant to him at the moment.

For example, he wanted to live as an expat in another country, but he blew off work all the time and spent all his money. Hard to travel without money, right? But the reason we couldn’t go was because of my job and my schoolwork, obviously.

He wanted to be travel guide and have fun all day for a living, but he never found anything local to get experience or settled on a definite where/when to work toward. But the reason this wasn’t going to happen for him is because he was stuck here making money to pay for our house which I wanted. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t just me!)

He wanted to have sex with other people behind my back because I “never wanted to do it”, but always had an excuse whenever I wanted to be intimate.

He wanted a better job, but he wouldn’t spend time working his way up or go to school to improve his skills. When I went to school (while working full-time) he made all kinds of pouty faces about how long it would take and how it was stopping us from leaving the country.

Can you imagine why I didn’t want to chuck in my life to move to New Zealand so my husband could be a tour guide and I could (??? What I would do was never discussed.)

When Captain suggested I let him take the lead on the $25K condo fee, so I could get a break, I knew instinctively I could not trust him to do that, to take care of me in a meaningful way. He could bring me tea, but only if he could use it as evidence of His Saintly Goodness later. His idea of financial decisions was getting $4,000 into payday loan debt without telling me and then coming to me to pay it off.

Btw, I said no to the payday loans and told him to figure it out, and that was the beginning of the end. He bummed it off an uncle and aunt who thought I was the devil for not saving him from his foolish choices. Then he spent the summer in the basement, getting high and watching TV, while I was the loneliest I have ever been.

And so, I left him. It was hard – I was unemployed at the time and had no guarantee of work, thought I was interviewing. I had to drain my savings and credit to pay 3 months rent in advance on a new place, figure out renting my former home, move, and cross my fingers I would find a new job before I ran against my credit limit.

He went back home to his mother at age 30 and knocked up a girl he’d known for three weeks. He’s never gone anywhere since. The uncle and aunt who loaned him the money have never seen a penny and no longer speak to him.

I found a partner who loves me as I am and raises me up, started my own successful business, travelled to Europe and got a great apartment with a view. I’ve never been happier.

Divorce is final in a couple months. 🙂

Reminder, I am not the OOP. This is a repost community

Do not comment on any linked posts or try to reach out to the OOP!

Title: I was written up for having a visible thong outside of work

Source: Ask A Manager

I am not the original poster

Original Post: Nov 5, 2025

In my free time, I love going to this nightclub by my apartment building. They have parties monthly based on different eras such as the 80s, 90s, and the 2000s. In the past year, I have gone to three 2000s parties, and the guests attending are supposed to wear things that represent fashion trends from that decade. All three times, I wore a pair of those ultra low-rise jeans that were so in back then and paired that with a visible thong (whale tail) as this was a trend back then as well. Well, all three times, the photographer at the club asked me to pose for a photo and I agreed. The photos were posted on their website.

I’m not sure how, but somehow HR at my work has found the photos. They called me into their office, showed me the photos, and wrote me up for “behavior that puts the company in a bad light,” as she said. I asked the director of HR if she was sure she was able to do this and she said that at the last management meeting it was discussed and the photos were shown to the management team before this action was taken. She also told me that the write-up and photos would go in my file and that I was not allowed to have a visible thong outside of work.

I have a huge problem with all of this and cannot believe that this has happened. I have had so many thoughts about this: (1) Why was the entire management team, including the men, shown photos of my underwear? (2) Why can I not show my thong at these parties if I want to? (3) Is a visible thong at a nightclub even a big deal or am I crazy? Have they seen what other women wear? (4) Can they write me up for this? (5) How do I get the photos removed from my file? I really don’t want future managers/directors and HR to see my underwear in my employee file for the rest of my time at this workplace!

Note: You can read Alison’s response at the link above. (It’s a good one)

Update: June 15, 2026

I met with HR again and pushed back on the policy. They declined to show me any policy that is even written down except a generic policy that says we cannot engage in highly offensive social media activity. I asked what that has been used for in the past and the only things they could point to were an employee badmouthing the employer and some racist posts. Apparently my thong is at this level of offensiveness.

I then asked them to take the photos out of my personal file and they declined.

In April, a new manager took over my department and made an inappropriate joke about seeing my underwear and winked at me. I went to HR about it and again nothing was done. I did try to make the point about men’s underwear, but they said they haven’t seen any men exposing their underwear who work here and that “men’s underwear isn’t sexualized in the same way.” They then told me they would be keeping track of my internet presence and all concerning photos would be reviewed in management meetings.

At this point, I started looking for a new job. I found one almost right away but they don’t need me to start until mid-June. I gave early notice but with an end date at the end of the first week of June. They told me they wanted me to stay and saw a future, but that if I have this bad of an attitude then I can just leave in June.

At this point, I got really mad. I actually used up a week of vacation days, which they allowed me to do. I decided to have some fun and get revenge if they are so concerned about my underwear. I attended the club five nights that week and each time requested that my photo be taken. I didn’t really care about each night’s theme. But I was photographed with my thong sticking out higher than ever and my jeans frankly lower than ever. I was photographed from my back side in a dress that is sheer at the back, and I wore the tiniest of g-strings. I was also photographed wearing a sheer mesh top with pasties on underneath. The next night I entered a “sexy slip in slide contest” in a very small bikini and was photographed a bunch of times, and the final night I was photographed wearing a top that showed a massive amount of cleavage.

They were indeed keeping track, and they gave me a warning again when I got back. They said they reviewed it at the management meeting again and I told them I didn’t care. The funny part is they still didn’t fire me, as apparently they need me to do some Important work before I go. At least I got my anger out of my system. I cannot understand how unreasonable they are. Just because something is available on the internet doesn’t mean it has anything to do with work. Nobody is going to know where I work anyway, and nobody looks poorly on a company because of stuff like this. My job isn’t sensitive in any way.

Reminder, this is a repost community. I am not the OOP

Title: How do we hire people without them being freaked out by our cardboard coworker?

Source: Ask A Manager

I am not the original poster

Original Post: Mar 18, 2026

Recently my manager asked me to help revise a job posting and the hiring process because the last two people we hired left only a few weeks after starting. One said she didn’t think our workplace had a professional environment, and the other said she realized her values didn’t align with the company. Since I’m the most recent successful hire, my manager wants me to help her understand what was different about how I was selected.

You’re probably assuming my workplace must be toxic or terrible, but honestly it’s the most fun place I’ve ever worked, and that might actually be the problem. Nothing about it fits the usual idea of a bad workplace, but it is definitely … peculiar.

People often eat lunch together. Not everyone every day, but a few times a week most of us end up eating with coworkers. (Not everyone participates. The person who splits tasks with me says she already sees us enough at the office and never joins us, and no one minds.) Lunch is where most of the unusual things happen.

One employee created a betting sheet for which celebrity will be the next to die or get involved in a scandal. You can add one name per month, and if you guess correctly you win a day off. It sounds worse written down than it actually feels, but the people who participate genuinely enjoy it.

Lunch conversations can also drift into very unprofessional territory. The week one employee resigned, the lunch debate was whether extraterrestrials are capable of orgasms. That discussion lasted more than one lunch break because people kept proposing different possible alien anatomies.

But the least professional thing we do might be the cardboard figure sitting at a desk named Robert. Robert has been part of the company culture long before I joined. The story behind him is about a former employee who would arrive, greet everyone, and then disappear until it was time to go home. No one ever knew where Robert was, and whenever someone needed him they couldn’t find him, but the work always appeared completed.

One day the company needed a team photo, and someone grabbed a cardboard box, drew a face on it, added a badge, and included “Robert” in the picture. After the real Robert retired, the box eventually evolved into a full cardboard cutout that now sits at its own desk.

At the end of each month we usually have less work, and there’s a game where someone hides Robert somewhere in the company and everyone searches for him. At the end, everyone gets candy. Not everyone actively participates, one person keeps a map coordinating where Robert hasn’t been searched for yet, some people give suggestions, and others don’t care about the game, but no one objects to it except HR did ban hiding Robert in the interview room and the public-facing areas.

Both employees who resigned witnessed a “Find Robert” search. They didn’t mention it specifically, but I imagine it might have contributed to their impression that the environment wasn’t professional.

My manager wants help finding people who would think these things are funny rather than strange, and she asked how I felt when I started. I happened to begin (luckily or unluckily) when people were decorating Robert with a heart-pattern tie and a box of bonbons while discussing what kind of box Robert would like as a girlfriend. I thought it was weird in a funny way, and it didn’t bother me enough to reconsider the job.

Outside of lunch and the occasional Robert hunt, people are actually very professional during working hours, aside from occasionally greeting the cardboard coworker or decorating him for holidays. We’re a very productive and inclusive team, but I understand how it might seem strange to someone seeing it for the first time.

I honestly don’t know how to help my manager find competent people who would be comfortable with this environment. The person who interviewed me said the team was laid-back, but that definitely didn’t prepare me for what the office is actually like.

Someone suggested hiding Robert for a while, but wouldn’t it be better for new hires to know what they’re getting into? How could we find people who would feel comfortable discussing whether the aliens from Arrival understand sex and also think it’s perfectly normal to greet a cardboard coworker?

I realize your answer might be that our company isn’t the wonderful place I think it is and that we should behave more professionally. But considering that our CEO once hid Robert in his own office during one of the searches, I don’t think the culture will change. (Still, feel free to say so if that’s your view, sometimes an outside perspective is very different.) I’m mainly looking for ideas on how to select people who would actually find this kind of thing fun rather than uncomfortable.

Note: You can read Alison’s response at the link above.

Update: April 6, 2026

Thank you for responding to my letter. After reading the response and comments, I realized that the alien orgasm example drew more attention than I expected, even though I had meant it as one particularly bad example rather than the main issue itself. I wanted to add a little more context and clarify a few points.

The alien orgasm example was an outlier, and one of the worst examples I could remember, which is why I used it. The “alien anatomy” discussion was also less about sex itself than about whether extraterrestrials would experience pleasure or physical sensation the same way humans do, especially if they did not even have bodies like ours. I understand that it was still inappropriate, but some commenters seemed to come away with the impression that sex is a regular topic in the office, and that is not really the case.

A more typical version of these conversations would be discussions about books, movies, and TV shows. We have had conversations like which horror movie character was so stupid that you actively rooted for their death. We have also had conversations like which politician you would “make disappear” if you could get away with it, but when someone pointed out that it was inappropriate, the conversation moved on without any fuss. In general, the conversations tend to get strange in a morbid way rather than in a sexualized one. That is still a problem, of course, just not quite the same one some people focused on.

The office betting pool is less about hostility toward specific celebrities and more about the kind of morbid joking people make about public figures who seem as though they have been old forever. The attitude is usually more “I cannot believe this person is still alive” than “I want this person to die.” Similarly, the “scandals” people talk about are usually things like cheating, wearing something provocative, or being rude to a fan, rather than actual criminal behavior. I do not participate in the betting pool because I would feel too guilty winning a paid day off by correctly guessing someone’s death, but people do sometimes mention their picks during lunch.

I mentioned lunch because that is usually when the conversations can get strange. Most of our work requires concentration, so there is not much chatting during the day, and many people wear headphones most of the time. Team lunches also really are optional. We are a small team inside a large company, so the whole team does not eat together every day, but there are usually six to eight people having lunch together, even if it is not always the same group.

I described cardboard Robert as the strangest part because all the other things are occasional, and lunch itself is optional. Some people never have lunch with the team, and that is completely fine. But Robert is there every day, sitting at a desk and being greeted. It took me about two months to find out there was a death pool, and some time before I heard one of the more inappropriate lunch conversations, but I was introduced to Robert on my first day. My manager even told the team to act normal during my first week so they would not scare me off. The monthly “hunt” for Robert is optional and avoidable, but comments about him happen every day, and new employees are introduced to him as though he is simply part of the team.

In your response, it seemed as though my letter came across as asking, “How can we change our culture so people don’t feel this is a sexualized environment?” I can understand why, given the example I used, but the help I was really hoping for was a little different. What I was trying to ask was something more like, “How can I help my manager hire someone who is likely to fit in here, while also giving candidates a fair sense of what the office is like, so neither side feels misled?” Someone suggested inviting candidates to join a typical team lunch, and that was much closer to the kind of suggestion I had been hoping for.

I also appreciated your point that inappropriate conversations are inappropriate no matter when they happen. I do know that, and I think at least part of the team knows it too, given the ongoing joke that there is probably a reason our room is physically as far from HR as possible. But I am not a manager, and honestly I do not want to be one. My manager decided that because I was the most recent hire, I was the right person to help her think through this, even though I do not really have the authority or the tools to change how the team operates. I will pass these points along to her, but I do not think much would change without rebuilding the team almost from scratch.

To be clear, I do understand why these things are a problem. I am not trying to defend them or suggest that people are wrong for not wanting to work here. I just wanted to provide more context so I could get advice that was more specific to the situation I was actually asking about. Some of the comments were genuinely helpful, and I was hoping that with a better explanation I might get more of that. But if the answer is still simply that the culture needs to change, I do understand that, and I appreciate your response anyway.

Sincerely,
The Person with the Cardboard Coworker

This is a repost community, I am not the OOP

[New Update]: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra_nowherehouse

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/arifault for suggesting this BoRU

RECAP

Original Post: August 4, 2025

I don’t know how to start this. I, (27F) have been with my fiancé (28M) for 5 years. We’ve just recently saved enough for a deposit on a house, and he’s found this cottage in the middle of nowhere, two hours away from where we currently live. The thing is that I already work an hour away. I am a nursery practitioner and I love my workplace, I’ve been there since I was 20 and I’ve worked my way up to a room lead position. Living three hours away from my job would not be ideal, but my fiancé won’t budge on this house. He says it’s perfect within our budget and quirky enough to fit our tastes in home style.

I’ve tried to communicate with him about this issue multiple times, bringing up the fact there’s not even any nurseries in that area that are looking for staff, and I don’t want to find another job that’s a bit further out but start from the bottom again. He says it’ll all work out if I just stop overthinking it, and I’ve been at my current job for so long that it would be nice for me to start fresh.

Another issue is that I want children, they’ve always been a huge dealbreaker for me and I don’t think it would be such a good idea to live so remotely when it comes to children as we will have to get them to/from school or nursery before and after work every day, the nearest school/nursery is a 30 minute drive away from the house he wants and we both start work fairly early and finish quite late. It will also be an issue of their freedom as they grow up, because I think it would be horrible to have to rely on your parents for transportation all the time and have to skip out on plans if they can’t drive you.

He really thinks I’m being dramatic about this and I’ll just ‘figure it out’, so AITAH for not wanting to move so far away from my job and basically all civilisation?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Y’all didn’t talk about where you wanted to live? You both should have discussed where EXACTLY you wanted a home. You don’t have to move where you don’t want to live.

OOP: We did discuss it, we both want a nice cottage that’s out of the way of lots of people, but there’s options near us, and even more options that are actually closer to my job, that also still have access to regular buses and there’s even a few up for sale in a town with a train station a reasonable walk away. I don’t know why he’s suddenly so set on this house that’s so far out when we have plenty of options available to us that won’t move us hours away.

Commenter 2: NTA. You two are not on the same page. You need to sort that out before you get married.

OOP: I am desperately trying to sort it out. I’m considering telling him that I will end the engagement if he continues to be unreasonable and doesn’t consider my feelings on the matter

Commenter 3: NTA. If you have joined the funds, immediately remove your contributions from the account and safeguard the money. He absolutely will use all of it to buy the cottage. His plan is to isolate you and keep you away from your network of people.

OOP: Luckily I control our finances because I’m better with numbers, so I’ve already transferred my half of the savings into a different account, he won’t even notice. He’s usually very sweet and considerate so I’m not sure what’s got into him about this house. He loves my family and we have the same friend group as we’ve known each other since high school, so I don’t think he’s trying to isolate me

Commenter 4: Is the house also three hours away from his workplace? Or does he WFH?

OOP: He works in tech and he does go physically to work but has the opportunity to WFH if he wants to. He says because it’s ’worked out’ for him it’ll work out for me too and I can always just find another job in a nursery, but I don’t think he gets quite how difficult it is to find a genuinely good job in a great nursery that doesn’t have a toxic environment and crazy high staff turnover

Commenter 5: Who exactly is the “we” who received the money for the deposit? Who did the money come from? if it came from somebody in his family, he is probably being very proprietary about how the money is spent. That isn’t a partnership and this kind of thinking will spill over into other areas of their life. If the money came from someone in your family or if it is somehow attached to your career, like a bonus, then he is a dictator who will force his ideas on you time and again. Buying a house is a partnership. He will expect you to help pay your portion of the mortgage and the upkeep, but you don’t get to say in where the house is located. Is that what you want? NTA

OOP: We’ve been saving for a while, nobody gave us any money. I was already saving before we got together, so was he and after a couple years together we decided to pool our house savings for our future which I now realise was probably a really dumb idea because we aren’t married. I’ve actually put more in than him despite spending less because I’m happy to live a frugal lifestyle while he likes holidays and expensive cars, etc.

Despite *earning less, sorry I’m completely exhausted

Update #1: August 6, 2025 (two days later)

UPDATE AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

I wasn’t expecting to be able to update this fast, but here we are. First off I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post, and also add some context as I realised my last post may have been lacking some. Fiancé and I have been together five years, but I have known him for twelve years, and in all the time I’ve known him and especially since we got together he’s always been sweet, taken my feelings into consideration and hasn’t actively ignored my opinion like this. It’s always been a two yes, one no situation in decisions before this.

We had a good relationship otherwise, we had date nights once a fortnight, we enjoyed each other’s company, had aligning plans for the future and the same ideals for a relationship. He had watched me go through a few quite bad relationships over the years before we got together and did his best to be the opposite of my exes, though he’s always been quite pushy when it comes to sexual intimacy, so I guess that’s an issue. But other than that it was great, and we had actually had a lot of talks about what we wanted in a house. We had agreed that we wanted a house or cottage either the same distance away or closer to my work, a bit more remote but still with a town or city easily accessible by public transport and car. I’m not sure why he suddenly switched to wanting a house so far out from everything and everyone we both know. We live in the UK, and a two hour drive can have you in basically a whole other world.

Anyway, the actual update. I had annual leave from work yesterday, and my now-ex fiancé was having a WFH day, something he’s been doing more and more frequently as of late. This is another reason he is so okay with the house he wants being where it is, because he can just switch to full time work from home.

In the morning I sat down with him and tried to bring up the house. I laid out my points from my last post yet again and told him I am under no circumstances leaving my job, I love it and I do not want to search for another. I brought up the countless other houses that fit our criteria that are in our area and closer to my work, some of which we have viewed. We haven’t viewed the place he wants yet as we haven’t had the time, and I told him I do not want to as I already know it’s not what I want.

I also asked him if he really thinks it would be okay for me to have a 6 hour round commute every day, especially considering my shift starts at 8am so I would have to leave by 5am every morning and be up by around 4am. My shifts typically finish at 5:30pm, so I wouldn’t even be back home until 8:30pm. Would he be okay with doing all the childcare in the future, housework and just everything that needed to be done because I would not be home for any of it?

He didn’t seem to take any of it to heart, and still insisted I could find another job, maybe one not even in child care, and that’s what finally pushed me over the edge. Child care has been my dream since I was a little girl, and I managed to find an absolute dream of a workplace that I know many child care practitioners would kill to work for. How could I possibly leave that all behind when I’ve worked so hard for it? He told me he’s set on this house, so either I accept it or I leave.

I chose leave. I gave his ring back and told him we’re done, that he’s not being the sweet, considerate man I fell in love with, and I don’t know why he can’t see my side of things in this. I do not want to live a life with somebody that doesn’t consider how I feel in all of this. This completely shocked him and he started begging me to rethink, that we can figure something out, but I refused and went to pack my things.

I’m staying with my brother and his wife now, which is nice because they live closer to my workplace (a 30 minute drive instead of an hour), and I get to spend time with my little nieces. I am hurting, but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not deserve to not have my opinion valued, and he certainly did not. I guess it’s onwards and upwards as they say, but I definitely won’t be dating for a long time after this

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You mentioned that the two of you had saved up enough for a down payment. If the money is in a joint account add up how much you contributed plus interest on the amount, and withdraw it Fast.

OOP: Hello! Sorry for my absence I have been very busy. I withdrew all money that I contributed from the shared balance before I left my ex-fiancé. It’s all safe in my own bank account now!

Commenter 2: He didn’t even give up. " We can figure something out" means his option is still on the table. He just wants to keep debating even after you dumped him. Man he really wants that house.

Commenter 3: Oh damn. He thought he could strong arm you into agreeing with him. He thought you would relent because you were engaged and you’d never walk away. And then you called his bluff and he realized he didn’t hold the control over you he thought.

Good on you for calling his bluff and being rid of him. He would have 100% used that tactic again and again if you had stayed with him.

Commenter 4: NTA and good job advocating for yourself!!! if current You starts to waver, which is a totally normal emotional cycle for people to go through post break up, just remember that future You will be so glad that you stood up for yourself and made space for better relationships to come.

Update #2: December 4, 2025 (nearly four months later)

UPDATE: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

Reposting here bc I didn’t realise I could only post one update on the AITAH sub

Hi all. Sorry I’ve been almost completely MIA for the last few months, life has been completely hectic, but I wanted to give an update because I saw some people asking for an update. I also saw my post being read on TikTok a few months ago by one of my favourite Reddit story accounts actually and that was crazy, I truly did not think it would end up anywhere but Reddit.

First off, I (27F) want to share some things about my life and how it has been since I left my ex-fiancé(28M). Life has been up and down for me. I found a therapist, and I’ve started to rent a small flat close to my brother’s house, still living below my means as I start to save for a house again, building upon my more than half of the savings I took when I left my ex (It was all my money, I had saved most of it. I did not take any of the money that was his.) The flat is small, but it’s cosy and doesn’t have any of the mess my ex always left around. I was offered a position as assistant manager at my workplace, and while the pay rise would have been nice, I decided to turn it down as I just so love working with the children and I do not want to spend most of my time in an office. Being a room lead is fine with me, I adore my job. My workplace is still great, and I’ve made some really good friends with some newer staff members. I often have a couple of them over for drinks or dinner after work, as a little single ladies club.

My absolutely amazing dad died suddenly and tragically in September, far too soon at 65. He was truly the most incredible man, and I’d been leaning on him a lot for support after I left my ex. He left me a sizeable sum of money, and while I am still waiting for that to come through, I’m planning to put it all into my house fund and I’m hoping to be a homeowner by the summer of 2026. I also adopted a little tortoiseshell cat to keep me company, her name is Lily and she’s the sweetest, cuddliest thing.

I’m slowly getting back into dating, and I actually made the realisation that I like women, so I have been dipping my toes into going on dates with some lovely ladies, which has been great. Nothing serious of course, I’m not ready for that yet, but it’s nice to have some connection with people and explore my newfound dating pool, see what fits me best and figure out my dating boundaries. Overall, while some times have been tough and heartbreaking, my life has improved.

On the ex front, I really did dodge a bullet. My sister has told me countless times that I let a man disrespect me for far too long. He was not the man I thought he was and upon reflection I realise the first red flag was how pushy he was for sex. I believe one comment on my last update called him a sex fiend. My therapist has helped me to realise that coercion was not consent, so I’ve been working through that.

Since we split, he has apparently been posting on Instagram about being an alpha male and how any woman would be lucky to have him. According to mutual friends, he has been listening to lots of horrible and misogynistic podcasts and spews that rhetoric to absolutely everyone he can, and he’s already dating a new girl what who is far from appropriately younger than him at 19. Yuck!! I will never know the full logic of why he wanted me to move so far from everything I know and love, but I feel that the comments saying he wanted me to quit my job and be a SAHM were correct in their assumptions. He couldn’t afford the house he wanted without my part of the savings, so he’s stuck in our old flat.

I had to see him once more after I left just to get the rest of my things from our old place, and he tried to talk to me, asking if we could fix what we had, but I ignored him and simply took everything I needed before leaving and blocking him for good. He’s not worth my time or energy.

I think during our relationship, I lost who I really was and forgot that I am a strong and independent woman. I have always been quite feisty, and I’ve always stood up for myself, but somehow with him I lost those parts of me. They’re back in full force now and I couldn’t be happier with that. I’ve used my found-again spine to fight for what I believe in, and I have been to several marches and protests for Palestine in the last few months, screaming at the top of my lungs, holding banners and waving flags. I have advocated for children’s rights, I have joined clubs and groups, and I have found my voice. Thank you all for your kind words, advice and encouragement. I don’t think I would have left or stayed away if it wasn’t for all of you commenting.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: 19!? Poor girl

OOP: I really want to message her and let her know what he’s like, but my sister and friends have told me it would cause more problems for me. She’s so young and I’m afraid for her

Commenter 2: I agree with your sister you dodged a bullet. Go have a great life now that you have found yourself again.

Commenter 3: Yesssssss. You go do what you want from now on. Sad about dad, but awesome otherwise.

#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: June 27, 2026 (6.5 months later from the previous update)

(editor’s note: removed the first part of the update as they are links to the original and previous updates)

Six months into the year already, wow! Thank you so much to everyone who has been so supportive on my previous posts!

I (28F) don’t have much to update apart from, as of the 21st of May, I am officially a homeowner! I found a perfect house that’s only fifteen minutes from my workplace. It may not be the out of the way cottage I wanted, but it’s perfect and it’s all mine. I have space to just be me, and enough room for my niblings to sleep over and give my siblings a break.

On the dating front, I’ve been dating a wonderful woman (30F) since late December. I realised shortly after my last update that I wasn’t bisexual, and I am actually fully a lesbian.

We’re still taking it very slow, considering I had just come out of a long term relationship, and she was only recently divorced when we met, but so far so good. She’s absolutely amazing and I can safely say I love her. If things go well, we’ve talked about living together but that won’t happen until at least 2027, as I’m not quite ready for that level of commitment yet. She’s helped me move in and decorate my new house though, which has been lovely as she works in interior design and seems to know exactly how to make a room look incredible.

My ex broke up with the 19 year old in April, from what I’ve been told, citing that she’s “far too immature.” Like, obviously? She’s 19 and you’re 29, idiot. I haven’t heard much else about him because I really don’t care to know about his life, but what I have heard isn’t great. On top of his stupid misogynist stuff, he’s also been on some horribly racist bs. I didn’t mention this in my posts because it didn’t feel relevant, but I am mixed. My mum is Black, and I am very clearly half Black. He was engaged to a woman of colour and he’s racist!!!

All in all, life is good and I escaped a man that probably never really loved me. I hope everyone has had a great year so far, here’s to better beginnings. It may not be much of an update, but I wanted to let you all know it can get so much better 😊.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

AITA for walking out of a dinner after being accused of supporting incest?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nearby-Comfortable79

Thank you Reddit user: u/Direct_Catterpillar77 for putting this together

AITA for walking out of a dinner after being accused of supporting incest?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post - rareddit  Dec 9, 2023

Hey. I’m posting on here because I need people’s opinions on this. It’s so fucking stupid and such a non-issue, (unless I’m wrong about that too) that turned into something bigger.

For reference, this happened on Thursday evening. We are all in our early 20s and all names are fake.

Thursday was our friend “Sarah’s” birthday. To celebrate, our friend group decided to go out for dinner. There were about 10 of us. Everyone was in a good mood and it was really nice to just talk to everybody about whatever for hours, especially since I kind of had a stressful week.

Hours into the dinner, we landed on the topic of movies/TV shows that we were watching. Our friend “Amy” mentioned a show that I had also watched. As soon as she brought it up, I said that I really liked the show, and that the acting, writing and directing was top notch. “Mary” chimed in and said that she really didn’t like the show and how she had been watching other things. Cool. To each their own. Mary then asked me how I felt about the main romantic pairing in the show. I responded that I liked it, and thought the romance was cute. This is where the drama started.

For context, I don’t want to get too much into it because it might be confusing, but basically, the main romantic pairing is between the male lead and the female lead. There are some people who have interpreted that these characters to be related to each other. I do not. But I know that people are free to think whatever they want, and honestly thought that this topic was harmless. Well, I was wrong.

Mary took offense to me saying that I liked the romance. She asked me if I supported incest. I said of course not, as the characters are not related. She said that they ARE related and that me supporting their pairing is supporting incest. Mary then said that I should “educate” myself before saying “stupid shit”. I was dumbfounded and thought she was joking but she was REALLY angry with me about this. She told me to rethink my values because supporting incest makes me a horrible person. I told her she was making harmful accusations over a TV show. Our other friends were telling her to stop, including Sarah, but she kept claiming that I was a disgusting incest supporter. She then claimed I was homophobic, since the male lead is bisexual but still ended up with a woman. Mary just wouldn’t stop saying shit like this.

So here is where I may be the asshole. I left Sarah’s dinner. My friends were asking me to stay but I felt uncomfortable, so I paid for what I ordered and left. Many of my friends reached out to me on Friday to ask if I was okay. Some of them, while they understood why I was upset, said that it was wrong of me to leave Sarah’s birthday dinner and that I should have just ignored what Mary was saying and stuck around. I feel like they may be right and that I may have ruined her birthday by getting up and leaving, but I felt like I couldn’t stay because of Mary throwing accusations at me over something that doesn’t matter.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

HauntedReader

NTA and Mary seems like she takes things FAR too seriously.

I am super curious what the show is though. Do you mind sharing?

OOP

Loki

HauntedReader

See this doesn’t even make sense with her argument. It wouldn’t be incest because the two aren’t related, they’re literally different variants of the exact same person.

It definitely falls on the weird side of things but definitely doesn’t count as incest.

Also I’m going to assume neither of you finished the series yet so like I’m even more confused by this take.

OOP

I finished the series. I don’t know about Mary. I know that they don’t end up together, but the point is that even in season 2 the implication is still there. But Mary was just upset that they were romantic in the first place.

TOP COMMENTS

mmiggs

Mary is a clear asshole. There’s no question here. And a very stupid asshole, if she thinks that bi people ending up in a relationship with someone of the opposite binary gender is homophobic. (Clue: half of the people that a typical bisexual person is attracted to are of the opposite gender. You might actually expect bi people to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender significantly more often than half the time. If you’re a bi man, then your set of possible partners are (for the sake of argument, and there’s some simplification of sexuality here) gay men, bi men, bi women, and straight women. The largest of these groupings, by quite a long way, is the group of straight women.

NTA

~

PurpleMarsAlien

NTA

Mary is acting weird. Attacking someone over fannish beliefs that are not part of current canon is being rather extra and over the top.

And even if this eventually becomes part of canon, someone who like the couple when it was not canon, were not supporting incest. They would have been misled by the creators.

Update  Jan 3, 2024 (Nearly 1 month later)

Hi everyone. First, thank you all for your comments and advice on my last post. It’s been about 4 weeks since the incident at the dinner, and I just wanted to give you guys an update if you’re curious.

First off, I just want to say that I have no hard feelings toward my friends who said that I should’ve stayed. I get me leaving was probably the best thing to do in that situation, but their intentions were purely good: to make sure that Sarah enjoyed her birthday dinner.

I reached out to Sarah and apologized for what happened, and for me leaving so abruptly. She said that I didn’t need to apologize and said that all was good between us. I took her out for drinks. We had a great time.

Now, onto Mary. Since the dinner, I have been texting and calling her, just to talk about what happened. So far, she has either ignored my texts and calls, or given me very short responses, either telling me that she doesn’t want to talk to me, or that she’s busy. Sarah told me that she also reached out to Mary, and while she was actually willing to talk to Sarah, the conversation pretty much went nowhere. Amy also reached out to her. Like many of you were wondering, she asked her if she was a victim of incest. I mean, It would make sense based on her reaction. However, according to Mary herself, no, she wasn’t. As far as I know, she isn’t bisexual either, so it just seems she’s throwing a tantrum over things that have nothing to do with her. Or it’s possible that she’s been spending too much time in online fandoms, but who knows.

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Relevant Comments

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This is a repost community, I am not OP!

Hello all, Best of Internet Update exists. I know there’s a few other similar pages but they seem to have all died out shortly after the first great migration.

This page is for all internet story updates that are good or entertaining. Right now it’s all reddit and ask a manager stories because I haven’t seen much on Lemmy yet. Feel free to add any you know of.

https://lemmy.world/c/BestOfInternetUpdates !bestofinternetupdates@lemmy.world