18 days
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- vrek@programming.devEnglish28 days
My multi-year girlfriend is still technically married. She lives with me and no longer talks to her “husband”. The problem is literally don’t know where he is to serve papers. She thinks he is somewhere in Oklahoma but doesn’t know and doesn’t have an address. Can’t get divorce without serving him(giving him official papers saying divorce is requested).
- 28 days
One would think a judge would allow her to serve notice in the local newspapers in a situation like that if the dude is even alive.
Yeah this screams alternate service. And pretty sure at some point alternate service is also allowed over email, mail, or other means.
- 28 days
Every country is different, of course, but I was wondering how is that different from divorcing from a missing person that from all you know could be dead.
- Zarobi@aussie.zoneEnglish27 days
Being dead or MIA is a very specific and powerful state of being where most laws completely change. Being alive but not known (to you) where they live is completely different. The system will show them as alive and paying taxes but accessing and sharing address and contact information without permission is various levels of illegal and will get flagged
Best bet is private investigators. They still exist and are good at OSint and tracking people down by the faintest trails
- 27 days
I asked how it works in Spain, I was really curious. Here you start the process in front of a judge that can last up to two years where the other person is declared “in rebellion” so the process can proceed without having to give further notification.
- Zarobi@aussie.zoneEnglish27 days
That sounds like a pretty good system. Just give a time limit notice where the divorce will proceed. One of the reasons I never marry even in long term relationships. It’s a huge pain to break up
- vrek@programming.devEnglish28 days
Possibly if she knew a town or even county. I also am surprised that’s even a thing anymore, like who reads physical newspapers? Only time I remember buy them was to wrap dishes and glasses when moving.
- chocrates@piefed.worldEnglish27 days
The laws are probably ancient and won’t be updated for decades yet.
- Earthwormjim91@lemmy.worldEnglish27 days
Most places have Service by Publication, including Oklahoma.
She would need to file the petition, and then run a legal notice in a paper that serves that county, and that would count. Doesn’t matter if he ever actually sees or responds to it. She will have fulfilled her legal obligation for service.
- vrek@programming.devEnglish27 days
Might be if it really mattered. It’s a paper and a party, I don’t care either way.
- Earthwormjim91@lemmy.worldEnglish27 days
It’s also a lot of legal rights and privileges. And in many places it’s also a default inheritance. If something were to happen to her, you would have no rights to make any decisions. Her husband would. Her assets would become his.
Even if you aren’t interested in being married, it’s in her best interest to actually finalize the divorce to avoid a litany of issues.
- Earthwormjim91@lemmy.worldEnglish27 days
Yeah. I’d hate for some dumb legal shit to happen over nothing. Best to just get it done and a clean slate with no legal issues at all, even if it is a pain in the ass.
- vrek@programming.devEnglish27 days
And expensive, I think last time we looked into it was like 950 just for the divorce filing.
- Earthwormjim91@lemmy.worldEnglish27 days
Ugh. Yeah that’s a bitch. Cheaper than a legal fight but that’s not helpful if it crunches the budget.
But if you can swing it, it will only be a long term benefit. Especially with kids.
- 28 days
Could be an Oklahoma thing. In my state, you can just run it in the local paper if you don’t have an address. They have 30 days to respond. OK is pretty backwards when it comes to women’s rights though.
- vrek@programming.devEnglish27 days
Even worse is we live in Texas which is even more backwards. The marriage was done in Texas, she got pregnant and he ran away to ok but kid is about to be 13 and has never seen his bio-dad. There should be a law like “if either party abandons the other for 5 years the marriage is null and void by default”
- 27 days
Ask his wife.
If she is ok with it, he’s not cheating.
There really isn’t any other way to know.
- 27 days
Even then, you don’t really know. They might be on bad terms and the wife might want to screw him over, or she might be in denial, or anything else. I guess the best chance at an honest indicator would be her level of surprise, rather than actively being ok with it, although even that might also not be entirely reliable.
- 28 days
Can you spend a week-end at this place ? That’s an easy way to test.
Divorce can take a lot of time close, but if they’re still living with their hex, they’re not just married on paper.
- 28 days
Never, ever trust someone who tells you this. Insist on speaking to the wife first. This is the most classic lie to get some side action if you are already married.
- 27 days
Really. It leads into the classic “I’ll leave her soon I just need to get a few things in order” lie to keep it going.
- thermal_shock@lemmy.worldEnglish27 days
Trust but verify. Only one person can really answer the question at hand.
- 28 days
Tell him you want to make sure his wife is ok with anything that happens
- NABDad@lemmy.worldEnglish28 days
I had a friend who was married, but he didn’t live with his wife. They had a son together, and she had a son from a prior marriage.
He stayed married to her, but they lived separately. He said it was so she could stay on his health insurance. He also gave her money for her rent.
For several years they lived in different states. He’d take two weeks off from work to visit her every year. He’d spend one week with her, then spend the second week recovering from visiting with her.
To my knowledge he never went on so much as a date with any other woman and he showed absolutely no interest in cheating on his wife or even divorcing her. His attitude seemed to be that one woman was more than enough.
- 28 days
I’d tread carefully and request some elaboration from him on the situation because just based on what he said that could be all over the place, and I’m not too familiar with the culture and laws in South Korea so you’re probably going to want to do some research on their divorce laws and how their culture views divorce.
This could be anything from he’s cheating to to they’re both living totally separate lives, have agreed their marriage is over and just haven’t done the paperwork to make it official for any number of reasons.
Off the top of my head, in no particular order here’s a couple plausible-sounding scenarios, and it’s not meant to be an exhaustive list.
He could be straight-up cheating and lying through his teeth to you.
Maybe he’s even hoping to be caught cheating because he wants to get divorced and his wife doesn’t and he’s trying to goad her into it because it’s in some way advantageous for him if she’s the one who files for it. Maybe it gives him some kind of legal leverage to not be the one filing for it, maybe he just wants to be able to spin it as being her fault so he can claim to their friends or family that he was willing to work on their marriage and she wasn’t.
It could be that they’re totally on the same page, have agreed to see other people, and are staying together on paper because there’s tax incentives for married couples, or wonky inheritance laws at play and by staying “married” it’s easier for them to make sure the other spouse can inherit their assets to help take care of their son if something happens to one of them.
Or maybe they just haven’t had the time or money to money to do the paperwork and just don’t feel like it’s a pressing issue right now.
Maybe they don’t want to saddle their son with dealing with the fallout of a potentially messy divorce until he’s older, either due to legal/financial reasons, or because of some kind of social stigma.
Maybe he’s not even in contact with his wife and they haven’t seen or spoken to each other in years, and it’s just a pain in the ass to track each other down so that papers can be served, or they just really don’t want to have contact with each other and are avoiding it until there’s a real need like if one of them wants to remarry (I’ve known a couple people in similar situations in the US)
Again, I’d say try to push him for more details, it can be a touchy subject for a lot of people and he may not want to air all of his and his wife’s dirty laundry to someone he just met, and that’s understandable, but you also should be allowed to understand what kind of situation you’re getting yourself into. Find out if his wife is aware of it, confirm with her directly if possible. If he won’t let you talk to her to confirm that could be a red flag that he’s cheating, but it could also be that she’s unstable and it’s really better to not talk to her and risk her getting aggressive towards him, you, or their son, so tread carefully. Trust, but verify. There could be a whole novel squeezed in between the lines here that you need to be reading.
28 daysIdk why the downvote when you gave good scenarios and advice. This place smh.
Unless the wife has confirmed it, I’d assume he’s cheating… it’s just such a classic cheater-story.
Yeah, separated but not divorced is a VERY classic excuse. I hope Violet takes this into consideration. If he’s being truthful, then it shouldn’t be a problem to ask for some proof that the wife is aware/ok with it. Would suck to be the “other woman.”
The reason it’s a classic is because there are a lot of people who are actually in such a situation.
- 27 days
No, it’s classic because a lot of people who are definitely cheating use it. The stories always end with the husband keeping the wife and probably looking for a new mistress, or the mistress continuing the affair even though she knows he’s never breaking it off.
(And it is a class cheating husband story; cheating wife stories seem to give the woman a bit of a pass, which is problematic)
it’s classic because a lot of people who are definitely cheating use it
Yes, why do you think a lot of cheaters use it? Because there are a lot of people who are in that actual situation, so it’s a believable story.
- 28 days
This seems easy to prove with some text message history.
Like literally showing / checking in the moment.
- 27 days
In general, good. Very good.
Apparently, South Korea has a fault-based divorce system. TIL.
That’s an important bit of context, and makes it somewhat more likely to be true. Either way, if he doesn’t want you contacting his wife it stinks.
- chocrates@piefed.worldEnglish27 days
Not sure about South Korea but I was technically married for 2 years after we separated. It was just a pain to go find a lawyer and figure out how to serve them in another state.
We weren’t living together so it was easy I assume for my partners to confirm I lived alone when they came over…
- 27 days
Was legally married for 12 years but only together for 11 months. She ran off when our son was 2 months old. Tried multiple times to get a divorce. But courts don’t like giving divorce when the another party not able to chime in. Years later she reached out ask for a divorce so she could marry another man. Told her to pay for it. And eventually she did and we got that divorce.
But I was always up front to all the women I dated. Never was an issue.
- chocrates@piefed.worldEnglish27 days
Oh yeah me too, it was on my dating profile, don’t want to deal with anyone that’s going to immediately have a problem
- 27 days
I was married already when I met my now wife. My first wife lived overseas and we hadn’t been together for about 8 years.
Our two children lived with me, but we didn’t have a separation or legal custody agreement. Doing all of that internationally, getting all the documents professionally translated, court dates, etc. was extremely challenging.
So we waited several years until both kids were legally adults and we just had to deal with the divorce (which itself took almost 3 years) before making things official.
That said, my case is much less typical than a guy just lying about his domestic circumstances.
- 28 days
My sister is still married and dating, not cheating. I say if he’s given you no reason to doubt him, you shouldn’t.
- 28 days
Marriage can be complicated to get out of. Especially when there are kids involved, it can become a legal headache. It could very well be that he is telling the truth and is “only married on paper”.
