Pet Semetary, 1989, packed theater. During the scene where the resurrected toddler is chasing Fred Gwynne with a scalpel, a baby suddenly cries out in the back of the theater. The entire audience jumped then burst out in laughter.

Who brings a baby to a Stephen King movie?

This literally happened to my girlfriend.

She went in to Walmart to find a Black and Decker battery charger. She brought a battery from home to check if it fit. It turns out that Walmart does not sell Black and Decker products.

When she left she was stopped and accused of stealing the battery that they don’t even sell. She was detained by the police for almost an hour as they checked security camera footage to prove that she stole something that they, again, DON’T FUCKING SELL! They don’t even sell products made by that fucking company!

A one minute scan of their inventory would show that but they decided to waste everybody’s fucking time.

Please don’t kink shame.

Well, opera singers have to train somewhere. The job market is a little slim though.

My girlfriend has a BFA in opera.

No shots

As a bartender I love working extremely high volume shifts. That hectic, high stress atmosphere gives me an adrenaline rush. What would give you a panic attack gives me a high.

I own a jacket that Kanye West tried on before I bought it. What do you think I could get for that?

Or when someone goes down an alley in NYC. There are hardly any alleys in Manhattan. It’s a tiny island and every inch of usable space is occupied. That’s why there are piles of trash everywhere.

That’s a long sentence.

I’m typing this from an inflatable pool in my back yard. The water bill is going to be outrageous but that’s a small price to pay to be able to go outside.

A dictionary. We can cross reference words with latin roots to help communicate.

Weed

Toilet paper

How’s the humidity?

People do die

Come visit me in south Louisiana.

“Better living through chemistry”

But they can assist you along the way

Ever read the text on the Budweiser label?

“This is the famous Budweiser beer. We know of no brand produced by any other brewer which costs so much to brew and age. Our exclusive Beechwood Aging produces a taste, a smoothness and drinkability you will find in no other beer at any price.”

(emphasis mine)

Found a good clip of it in action